I wasn’t sure what kind of person I was going to be when I woke up today.
Was I going to be anxious? Was I going to be reserved? Was I going to be grateful? Was I going to be melancholy?
Am I going to be all of these things? The day is only half over.
January 26th is, historically, a strange and intense day for me. But I’ve learned to frame this date as something positive.
I don’t want to drown anyone in self-help jargon. I don’t know that it’s helpful to regurgitate buzzwords at a time when the Internet is so clogged with inspirational quotes and infographics that they all float together in the same alphabet soup.
One of the most common things that can induce garbage feelings is tying memories to dates. It feels simultaneously confusing and empowering to rebuild your relationship with a point in time or a time of the year (the holidays are rough for a tooooon of people) because, at one point, you decide: Fuck it. I’m going to feel all of the things, good and bad, but I’m not going to let them consume me.
Today feels like a day where I have a lot to say, but I want to be careful with how I spill it out into the universe.
I feel gratitude for having made it this far. I don’t share my emotions with people the way that I used to, because the older I get and the more experienced, the more nuanced they are, and sometimes, it’s hard to make sense of how I’m feeling. But mostly, I’m happy. I spent a lot of my life being miserable or Just Okay that it feels weird to feel genuine happiness. But lo and behold, here I am.
I feel annoyed that, because of my relationship to certain events in my life, I have to be cautious with my relationship with things like alcohol, drugs, and junk food. These things are fun for a lot of people, but lately, I’m finding that I’m more at peace with myself when I don’t partake. I barely drink, and people who don’t know me very well interpret this as innocence, which is endearing. If they only knew the journey I’ve been on, I think.
I feel amused by just about everything, even things that are not very amusing to most people. Learning that just about every human experience contains humor has oddly been a great coping mechanism. But also, making jokes about death to people I just met is probably not a good look, so I try my best to chill out on that.
I feel humbled by the realization that I may have a different outlook on life in five years. And so might you, and it’s kind of excellent that we are all just growing together and growing apart and moving in all kinds of different directions we probably can’t even imagine.
And after all of this, I guess January 26th is okay.
cinnamonlitost 