Do people still maintain personal blogs in 2022? It’s a genuine question.
I don’t post here or Facebook much anymore, but a lot has changed since January 2021, so here are some notable ones:
- I have a Bonnie. She’s a Basset Hound/Dachshund mix, and she loves attention and food. She is very long, and I love her a lot.
- I live in Greensboro, North Carolina as of like…one month ago. It’s humid here, but the grass is actually greener than the grass in Austin. But only because it rains. My time in Austin was unforgettable, but it was also finite. I think I knew that even when I moved there.
- I genuinely love my job and the people I work with. This is sincere; I don’t know that any of my coworkers will see this.
Now that I’ve gotten the highlights out of the way, I’m delighted to jump back into the theme of being a person with a lot of feelings, and what it means to navigate the world carrying all of them around like a sometimes (not always!) over-encumbered Skyrim character.
I have a hard time identifying with various labels, mostly because I don’t want to be defined by my feelings, which are transient. About a year ago, though, my therapist told me I’m something called a Highly Sensitive Person. I didn’t know there was a term for it, but I have to be honest: My initial response to being told this was to feel embarrassed.
I don’t know why I was embarrassed, because I certainly wasn’t surprised. I feel the world, after all. Unbridled joy, bittersweet goodbyes, a strange sadness when I see a model in an advertisement with a pained expression on their face, anxiety, tenderness. I think I was mostly embarrassed, because – at least in the US – there aren’t many positive associations with the word “sensitive.”
My initial reactions were something like:
- Are people going to assume this means I’ll take any and all criticism personally? I actually take criticism well as long as it’s not like a weird power move/torrent of unsolicited advice
- Will people assume this means they have to handle me with kid gloves?
- What are the positives of this?
I’ve even tried it on for size around new people, but it mostly looks like: “I’ve been told I’m a Highly Sensitive Person, but I’m throwing that out there more as a guide – I swear it doesn’t mean I’m the emotional equivalent of a pool noodle with a giant dude sitting on it. Cheers!!!”
After reflecting, it does make sense, even if I don’t want something like that to define me. I remember the frustration and sadness I’ve felt in the past – in 2016, I’d all but convinced myself I’d “beat anxiety” (side note: figured out after suppressing my emotions for a good two years – turns out I was supposed to befriend anxiety, oh. Rude awakening.)
I’m working on looking at this way of existing as a positive. In the years where I’d gotten “good” at compartmentalizing and even “turning off” difficult emotions, one aspect of my life really suffered: Sometimes, people who met me found me to be inaccessible, hard to read, and sometimes even “cold.” Oof.
So I’ve been embracing my tender heart instead of shoving it to the side. My emotions ebb and flow, and I’ve learned that I’m a giant container that can hold multiple emotions at once instead of being overcome with sadness or dread, even if sadness or dread might be swimming around in the tank. They don’t have sharp teeth, but they’re not as cute as the other fish.
Today is one of the days that I needed to feel a lot. I’m not entirely sure why, I had a great evening yesterday. I try to examine difficult emotions with curiosity instead of rationalizing my way out of feeling them at all, which is so tempting. I wonder if I’m “doing it wrong” (mindfulness, being a person in a general sense, self-compassion) all the time, but I do it anyway.
Things that help me get through having a lot of feelings if I’m alone like I am today:
- A good cry. It really is okay to cry. I wish we didn’t feel like we had to “fix” someone crying, most of the time it’s just catharsis. I’m also super comfortable with other people crying.
- Meds. Not benzos, but no judgment if you’re on them, it’s hard to be a person sometimes.
- Therapy. I love my therapist. Some people see therapy as something to “graduate from” or whatever, but honestly, she’s a great lifeline, and I feel no shame about going to her.
- My own hand, gently rested on my heart. It’s a great substitute for when there’s nobody around to hold me.
- Bonnie. She’s great for multiple reasons, but she gives me a reason to do anything other than wallow.
- Making a big and fun deal out of taking care of basic needs like staying hydrated, eating, cleaning, and maintaining my hygiene. Sometimes, I put on a cute outfit just to feel like something other than a husk that contains a piece of corn with tears for kernels. It helps, because it reminds me that I have a physical body and don’t live in my head.
- Reaching out to loved ones while being cognizant that they have Other Shit to attend to. If all of them have Too Much Other Shit, I’ll reach out to my therapist. Or I’ll consult this book I like called Dare Response For Anxiety. It lets me know I’m not completely out of my gourd for feeling a lot of things, and it gives me helpful tools for accepting and moving through waves of difficult emotions. I also like a lot of podcasts about working through difficult emotions. I’m happy to share them with you.
- “This too shall pass.” We’re all just riding the waves, man. Not just those of us who feel it all.
I love all of you with each and every one of my vivid emotions.